I was in a train, unfortunately sat in the part where I go backwards. A lot of people aboard this train also, but I forgot where this particular train will take us. Only women and children filled this train, the youngsters are crying while their mother try to hide her own tears to calm the kids. The scene looks like all the scenes from world war movies.
A pregnant woman walks toward my compartment, and without any consideration I stood up and let her sit on my seat, she said thank you. Her face looks gloomy, the shadows under her eye’s socket are the silent prove of how much tears she’s been shed. After I got up, I decided to stand near the railing next to the windows. And suddenly a huge bang shouts from afar. The train shaken but still manage to run, the second bang came without further warning, then the third and the forth. It took me a while to realize that wasn’t just a bang, it was bombs. One of the bombs hit the ground near the railway and caused the train trembling and falls to the left side. I could hardly stand still, tried to grab the railing but then this huge woman feel upon me and I hear another bang.
I struggle to keep my hands on the railing, but my hands started to sweat and within moment I will lose my grip. Another bang.
I still manage to hold on to the railing but then another bang come and hit me.
I sat on my bed. Wide awake, all wet because of my nightmare, but the banging doesn’t seem to be a part of my dream, it was real. Somebody’s knocking—or banging to be exact—on my front door.
“TOBBY!!!!” the banging get even louder.
I check my clock on my bedside table. It’s 3 in the morning. I have neighbors and they might hear the banging and the all could get angry at me. Whoever and whatever it is better be important.
I run towards my apartment door, and peek at the peek hole. Tijmen.
“Aren’t you suppose to be at London drinking champagne and having sex with your fiancé right now?” I asked when I open the door.
He doesn’t seem to care to explain to me why he’s here. He pushes me and turns my body towards the closed door behind me, and without warning he pressed his lips against mine. My heart stopped. I was sure about that, although I still can hear the blood rushing through my brain.
We got lost in the moment. Not thinking any other thing better to do than this. He feed the beast inside me who’s been hunger for this particular touch. His touch. Every single pressure on our lips leads me another place, stop my heart beat all over again.
“Tobby,” he wishpers between our kiss.
I didn’t let him say anything. I don’t want this moment to be over. I grab his head and push my body towards him.
“Tobby,” Tijmen still try to push me back.
Now, I don’t need to be told twice. I let go off him. I did not dare to ask any question why he’d done it. I’m not ready to hear anything from him. I simply just not ready to burry myself in vodka and weeds again as an effort to forget the pain caused by the very man who’s holding my hand.
I tried to catch my breath, still looking down, I can always tell what’s wrong with him. It’s almost as if I could read his mind. But tonight, tonight is different I don’t need to see any regret feeling in his eyes for bumping into me at three a clock in the morning. No, that’ll cost me a lot of pain for the previous pleasure.
“Tob, listen. I have to explain to you.”
I bit my lips, the feels of his still lingers. I want it. I want it more. But I know when he starts his ‘Tobby , listen’ means I have no chance to cut him.
“Do you know it’s three in the morning, Tijm?” I try to sound casual.
“Yes, and I’m so sorry to wake you up, your neighbor did came out with her huge umbrella telling me to shut up, I tried to call you but you phone’s off.” Explains him. He talks fast, that’s what he does when he’s nervous.
“That’s not the only thing you have to explain, I think.” I swallowed my pride and brought up the topic.
“I can’t marry Sara.” His dark blue eyes look deeply into mine. “ I can’t marry her. I love her and all but when I got off the ferry boat, took a cab and arrived in front of her house, I just can’t get in. I can’t! I can’t…”
Oh, so it’s not because he realizes he still loves me.
“Timothy.” I cut him, surprise by how brave I sound. “It’s normal to get cold feet. I mean you’re about to ask her to be your wife. You’re about to tie yourself to someone forever. It’s okay that you got scared, in fact..”
“In fact, I’m not done talking.” He grabs me gently by my arms. “I was standing in front of her door. Thinking all the crappy words I’m going to throw at her so that she’ll be my wife. But I can’t think of one thing.”
“Well, I told you, it’s suppose..”
“I can only think of your expression when you let me go the other night, Tobby. You’re not happy.”
Now I’d really love to give this pain in the ass a punch in his face but he grabs my arms, I cannot move it.
“No, Tijm, I’m happy for you. I am not happy, but I’m happy for you.” I said without even trying to look at him in the eye. My eyes are watering, I wont let him see me cry.
“You’re not a good liar Tob.” He chuckles—or at least sounds like it.
“You can let go of my hands now, I wont throw myself at you.” I shrug my shoulders, and he loosens up his grip on me, but still not letting me go.
“Can I finish my story?” His eyebrows arced up.
I give him a simple nod.
“I tried to picture myself with her. Tried to picture her walking down the aisle towards me, I imagined the kind of life I’m going to have with her, of the kids we’re probably gonna have, but something’s off. Your last look that you gave me’s killing me. You haven’t forgiven me, have you?”
“Tijm, this is ridiculous. If this look,” I point at my face “is bothering you, then just stop thinking about it. You can always think I might be in the bad mood, or I had a bad day or the fact that I didn’t have fun at work that day. You don’t have to think that I look like this because of you. It’s not always about you, Tim. And where the hell did you figure out that banging on my door at three in the morning then gave those kisses will stop me from having a bad day? You just made it worse!” I snap at him.
“I’m sorry about the kiss. I know I shouldn’t, I just thought that we need to figure something out.” He completely let go of my hands now.
“Oh yeah? Figure something out? What do we need to figure out Tijm? You love her, you’re about to ask her to marry you, and you’re not supposed to come back to Netherlands and kissed you ex girlfriend just because you think you need to figure something out.”
“I know, it’s wrong, I’m sorry.” Seems like he lost for word. He knows me too well, he will let me fire every dirty word to him, and he even will let me slap him if I want. He’ll let me release the anger in me, when I’m all exhausted of yelling that’s the time for him to speak wise words.
Yeah I know the game too well, I’ve been a senior player in this field. Maybe that’s why I stop snapping at him. I don’t want him to give me his fucking wise words, I don’t want him to talk at all.
“Are you done? That’s all?” He asks.
I stare at him. I can’t believe he dare to asked me that.
“No.” I surprise myself. I thought I just told myself to shut up, but my mouth wouldn’t agree. “I’m not done. In fact I never finish. Tijm, if this, me bothering you so much, you can just forget about me. You know me, in the end I’ll be fine. If you ask me to let you go, I will never be able to do that sincerely because I love you.”
There I said it.
Tijmen’s eyes widened.
“Yes Tim, I do. You’re the only one I got when I first moved here. Even though you’re the worst guy I’ve ever known, you’re still the one that I could count on. You’re the only one who answered when I called for help and the only one who brought me ‘P.S I Love You’ DVD and Chinese Food when I said ‘I don’t feel like going out’. You’re the only one whom I told all my past, you’re the one who saved me from that stripper job I had. Not because we broke up then I will forget all of those. Because if I could find someone better than you, I would marry him right now, but look around! No one’s even close. So yeah, I’m not happy Tijm, I lost my best friend. “ I take a deep breath, try to swallow the ball inside my throat. “If you’d like me to come at your wedding, I will be there, I will sit in the front row, smiling, because I will try to be happy for you, I must try my best because you were there for me Tim, at least let me pay you back.” I’m not sure he could hear me, only dogs could hear me now, since I cried and my tone just getting higher and higher.
Like any gentleman will do, he moves towards me and hug me. I place my hands on his back, squeezing his shirt. I cried so hard, the last time I cried like this was when my dad’s gone. I tried to explain him my feelings but I can hardly put the words together.
“I’m sorry I hurt you.” He whispers in my ear while he kisses my head.
I manage to get myself together after a while. Still sobbing and gasping for air.
“I didn’t know Tob, I’m sorry I cost you a lot of pain. I’m so sorry.”
I continue sobbing on his chest.
“You haven’t let me finish my explanation however. I came here instead of proposing to Sara wasn’t only because I feel guilty, I can’t ask her to marry me and look back wondering ‘what if I asked Tobby instead’ call me a jerk, call me anything you want, I’m not gonna spend the rest of my life with regret. I would like us to try again.” He speaks really fast, with his British accent it’s just kinda hard for me to catch.
I still try to catch my breath. It’s not so often I cry this way.
“Tob, you listened to me? Please don’t tell me to say it again.” He pushes my body aside so he can stare into my eyes.
“I didn’t catch it quite clear, I don’t know, let me take a moment to understand your words.” I take a deep breath. “You didn’t propose to Sara, because you cannot afford to live your life thinking ‘what if’ and you want us to try
again to see which one is better to be with you in the future, me or Sara. Am I right?”
He winches. “Not exactly, I..”
“I don’t have any power to slap you right now, but you should know I really wanna do that.” I snap at him
“I know. Let me explain it, What I Meant was…”
“If we try again and you realize that she’s the best one for you, are you going to leave me again?” I hold my tone straight.
“I think there’s some misunderstandings here. I didn’t come back to choose one of you after I beg you to be with me, I came back because I’ve made my decision. I want you. And for the record, I didn’t leave you the first time, you left me.” He peers me with his dark blue eyes.
“What about Sara?”
“I broke up with her.”
“As in you already broke up with her?” A beast inside me roaring happily.
“It’s always been you Tob. I understand if you hate me right now, after I dumped Sara I went here bang your door at inappropriate hour and mess your life again. The most selfish part in me just want you to know my feelings, and I’m sorry if I cause you any more pain.” He speaks slowly. I think he himself try to sound as calm as he can. “I could come tomorrow or next week but I think it’s best when everything’s clear up from the beginning. I don’t want you to misunderstand. So yeah, I broke up with her, I explained her my reason and she said she’ll try to be supportive about that then she kicked me outta her house. I deserved that.”
I close my face with both my hands to shake off the confusion.
“Tob? Do you want me to come back tomorrow?” He asks full of concern.
I shake my head. “No, stay.”
He stand still. It’s an awkward situation—and position as I remember he’s grabbing me by my shoulder while I still cover my face.
“Will it make me a stupid bitch if I just fall for your words, ignore Sara’s feeling and kiss you right now?” Finally after a very long pause that felt like forever, I dare myself to ask that question.
He moves forward and kisses me passionately which I reply with every bit of hunger that’s been haunting me. His large hands run through my face to my hair, slip my hair behind my ear while I grab his hair and press my body against him. Just like old times.
“No, you’re not stupid if you believe in my words, I’ll work hard to prove it. But yeah, you’re a bitch to Sara.” He whispers between our lips.
“You’re an ass.”
“I am, but you’re kissing me.”