few months ago

me and my asdos friends went karaoke. scream our lungs out. dance stupidly. even planned how a video clip of our own version of "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston and "The Climb" bu Miley Cyrus should be.

I'd give anything just to be able to go to TPB again every Thursday to share my knowledge with those TPBs and do something fun afterward. I used to 'work' from 9 to 5, but i enjoyed every second of it.

I have this thought and plan to continue my study for master degree (only if i could get a scholarship--which is kinda hard to get right now). but let's say that i manage to get great scores and get a scholarship at TU Delft, i want to learn something that my lectures in ITB haven't mastered and maybe try to be a lecture later.

or, maybe if i don't get a scholarship at all, i could try to find a job somewhere(but here.. :D). my first try will be any PRODUCT design studio. just the small ones so that i get to do my job right. or if God still want to play with my fortune then fine, i will try to find a job in an INDUSTRIAL company. I'll work hard enough to collect money to start my own line.

so many alternatives, so few that fits my guts. but i learned from my dad, we don't always get to do what we love, sometimes we had to sacrifice our own ego to be able to provide the needs of the most important thing in the world--our family.

P.S: i post a lot today. these thoughts just came flooded my head.


I tried to download Autocad in my brother's computer but something's wrong. FUCK!!! even when i tried to do better , things still gone wrong!!!

*God, please, I meant good. help me here. I'm BEGGING you.. Please..

let these pictures express what i feel

so tired

chasing something that I'm not so sure

Ashamed, not to be able to do a better job.

that being alone seems to be a comfort lately.

Depressed, that I'm not able to perform my skills.

Confused. faking a new face each day to fool no one, but myself.

Sad, but no matter how hard i tried to cry, i couldn't.


Alex got it right!!

George: Who here feels like they have no idea what they’re doing?

Everyone raises their hands, except Alex.

George: I mean, are we supposed to be learning something, because I don’t feel like I’m learning anything.

Izzie: Except how not to sleep.

Cristina: It’s like there’s this wall, and the attendings and the residents are over there, being surgeons, and we’re over here, being…

Meredith: Suturing, code running, lab delivering penis-minders.

Alex: I hate being an intern.

(script from Grey's anatomy, season 1 episode 2.)


drop. drop. drop.

so, few years ago, a teacher stood in front of the class, knocked her hand to the chalkboard and when everyone became silent she said, "Litya, listen to me. your english is not good." she said it in front of the whole class (by the time she did that, all eyes are on her--because she knocked her hand to the chalkboard--then all eyes turned to me immediately.)
I was so embarrassed, I vowed that I will learn English, and do better.
(my English improved. A LOT!! I mean, I know by this blog you can judge that I have a lot of grammatical mistakes but who cares?! I learned. I still am.

tonight, a good friend of mine told me a story:

(A) : Lit, the guys at Z**** design talked about you.
(L) : About? I'm sure it's a bad thing.
(A) : You have a very bad reputation in their eyes.
(L) : hmm.. probably because the misunderstanding I had with J*** when I asked for internship there.
(A) : well, I don't know about that, but what they said, or what HE said, do you know a guy named B******?? he said you're a disappointment to our alma-mater(?).
(L) : yeah I know him, our lecture did warn me about him. she said we should be careful to what he said, he talks shit all the time.
(A) : well, he hates you. he said "what kind of student who can't render a 3d program" (ga bisa ngerender. malu-malu in almamater aja).

and tonight, I feel like Litya several years ago whose teacher insulted her in front of her whole class again. and I hope, I will be THAT Litya again, and chin up, learn how to fuckin' render a 3d program. and of course, I'll be "watching for 'that guy' (B******). I wanna know his accomplishment that made him so sure he could insulted all of my lectures (and me--haha).


i know it's weird,

but instead of browsing, i finally decided to work on my 3d skills. it's faaaaaaaaarr from good,don't even get me started on the porpotion. but for me to come up with something like this is actually a personal achievement. well, what can i say, i just learn to use Sketchup today. so don't mock me, okay. support me instead. i need that.


all random things happened these last two days.

okay, started two days ago. when i was at the office and felt like i'm being pushed to get in into a time wrap machine, suddenly my friend text me my final score for this semester. and i got to tell you, it's gooooood. hahaha. BUT, even that kind of news wasn't enough to make me feel better. why? because i was told to browse desk modesty (anyone knows what the fuck that is?) and pedestal (yeah, the drawer under your work desk called 'pedestal') and i'm done with it like yesterday so basically, i have nothing to do. it's kinda weird for me, honestly, i'm not a workaholic, but when i'm forced to be in a situation where i have to do something and turn out i have nothing to do but browsing pictures, that's kinda bothers me. i mean, you don't have to go to college to start a good relationship with uncle Google rite?! (and i try not to sound too superior here, but that's true. my skills worth more than just browsing pictures)

oh, and around 4 o'clock my mom called, my aunt from Canada is coming and she talked to me, she asked if i love to read books and she wants to give me some, so i gave the the list of Sabriel, Lyrael, and Abhorsen by Gart Nix that's i've searched everywhere, and she said she'll ask my cousin (who's coming to Indonesia the next day) to find it fore me.. :D

yesterday, My job still not getting better. i had to browse TOILET CUBICLES. yep. don't even get me started. the point is, i'm done by lunch and since i had nothing left to do i took a liberty to work on my 3d skills with Google Sketchup. well, not going well but that's the kind of lesson that i should take--SUPPOSEDLY.
my parents called the other night and asked how's my job going, and i blurted it all out. now here's the thing: i don't wanna be a failure to them, they've done everything in their power to give me nothing but the best that i deserve, and i just can't let them down. NO! i must pay them back, for everything and the only way to do that is by being the best, giving my best to them, but last night, instead of saying 'everything's all right' i told them how incompetence my job was. i'm a bad kid, i'm going to hell for that.

and this morning, as i type these stories here, i open my 'message from God' that i follow in facebook (yep, i know it's creepy but whatever, i need something to get me through the day) and you know what it said?
When you try to value yourself for being the best in something, you are bound to fail. Even Olympic champions are the best only for a few years. You are precious to God not because there is no one better than you, but because you are a unique creation of mind, body and spirit, - there is no one like you, - and that is exactly what makes you so indescribably precious.
so i guess today i'll just take shower, go to work and hope for the best.
oh, and try not to stare at the clock so much, i think that slows the time even more. well, wish me luck, please.

130 days to go.
20 weeks to go.


quick morning thought

this internship that I'm having makes me thinking a lot about my future. what will i do as soon as i graduated? this thought became even stronger and scarier after i watch "post grad" a movie with Alexis Bledel in it, I could be her!! i could graduate with good scores and then what? come home to my parents?

my biggest concern is the fact that i have no talent of using any CAD software--which of course i still have time to learn to, and I WILL learn it. next, what if i don't like what I'm doing? don't get me wrong i love product design, i love it so much, but i don't think i'd go for INDUSTRIAL design, you know, i love the kind of cute products, the one that makes me go "wow, why didn't i think about that before? that will makes my life easier" product(check out my design tumblr), not a huge industrial-ist that force me to go down with every millimeter detail.

maybe someone whom i did an interview with was right, I'm more of a craft-product-designer instead of an industrial-designer. someday, i want to be like her(Hella Jongerious).
will there any place to go once i graduated?? i don't know, but i believe if we do something we love, the way will just show up and help us.. although i know, to reach that kind of success i must start to crawl from the very muddy surface, struggling and I'm just gonna assume that my work with industrial design is actually a way to get there.

aaaahhhh... it's 4th day.. i'm having a bad flu and the med I'm taking makes want to crawl back into bed, not to work.. TOT


finally i start my internship at Kemang

the first day,
i had to design 10 table foot(is that even the name for it)
and later after that i browsed picture of table foot,
and the last thing to do, i had a meeting with Joshua Simandjuntak and his assistant (again) about table foot.
i never realized that table foot can be THAT complicated..

wish i will enjoy the rest of my internship days...
wish me luck..

Short story #1

“I thought you don’t smoke.” Deep voices interrupt the silence around me.

I turn around and there he is. Timothy. He looks at me in the eye with the gaze that could burn your brains out. A look that shows me how annoyed he is.

“I do now.” I replied. Try not to show him my excitement.

“You’ll die young then.” He moves forward and sits beside me.

“I’ll take that risk. What are you doing here? I thought you’re leaving for London already?” I asked. Cannot hide my curiosity.

“London.” He chuckles hesitantly.  “And the second you thought I went to London, you start to destroy yourself apart again.”

“I’m not destroying myself.”

“Really? Well, now can you tell me what that bottle of Spirits doing next to you? Is that even a cigarette that you’re smoking?”

“Yep, it is a cigarette, and this vodka,” I raise the bottle. “This is for later. I have a party to attend to in Purmerend. Seriously what are you doing in here? Forgot your ring?”

“No, I got it here” he runs his fingers through his coat pocket. “I have something to ask you about.”

“What? You’re gonna ask me to marry you instead?” I tried to make a casual chuckle, although I must admit, didn’t succeed.

He smiles. A smile that I love so much I would kill to see him smiling like that every single day of my life.

“Tobby, you know very well that you and I aren’t ever gonna work. But I do have something to ask you though,” he paused. I made a fake smile on my face trying so hard to ignore the words he just said. “How should I propose? Should I knock on her door in the morning? Should I slip it into a piece of cake? But I think that lame, or maybe should I take her somewhere sweet with beautiful lights and get down on my knees? Come on! You gotta help me with this. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

I take a deep breath and hold it in for a while. Keep thinking to myself not to let the tear that’s hanging on my eyes fall down. Not now, not today, not in front of him.

“Well, if it were me, okay,” I pause and he listen carefully “I would hate it if you take me somewhere sweet and go down on your knees, come on! That’s too generic. And I don’t think slipping it into a cake is a good idea either.”

“Which leave us the best way of proposing, and the best way is?” He raises his eyebrows.

“Ask her in the most comfortable environment. Ask her when she just woke up, I mean, if it were me, I would love the guy that I love to purpose to me that way, when I look dreadful, ugly, with bad morning breath, and even with a messy hair. But when he says ‘will you marry me’ I would know that he loves me because he ignores all the facts above and asks anyway.” I stuttered. Damn. I can’t do this, my voice is obviously trembling and my eyes, they feel hot. I should not flick it or he’ll see me cry.

The wind breeze feeling the gap of silences between. Rotterdam wind clearly not a friend of mine this time, it is so cold and dry at the same time that it makes me flick my eyes. My ayes stars watering and the next second my tears had finaly fall down, I cannot resist not to let it stop.

Still, he looks at me intensely.

“Tobby? You’re okay? Are you crying?”

I shake my head nervously “The wind. My eyes” I close my eyes with one hand and pretend that a tiny dust has gone in.

Then the worst happen. He moves so close to me, leaning against me and blows my eyes. This is exactly why I cannot get over him. Not even after five years, because every time he get in 20 cm radius my heart always try to make its way to jump outta my chest.

“There you go. Feeling better now?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

His hands are wrapping my face. And we stoned in this position for a second when his cell phone rings.

“Hallo? Hey sweetie..” and he goes on talking with Sara. I look at his face and feel like a dagger just been thrown to my heart. The way he talks to her, the way his eyes softened even just when he speaks with her, how decent his words toward her. Something that once was mine, but has been taken away thanks to my own stupidity.

He goes on talking for minutes later, I finished my third cigarette when he’s done.

“She’ll pick me up tomorrow, she doesn’t have to work. Yay!” He put his fists up above. “Anyway, third cigarette? What are you now? A locomotive? I thought you quit a month ago?”

“Why don’t you mind your own business and I’ll do mine? I’m weak for this stuff.” I said lighting up my forth cigs.

“Tobby, stop it, please”

“I will, once I run out of it. I promise.” I raised my eyebrow.

“That’s not a promise.”

“So when are you gonna go to London? Tonight?” I change the subject.

“Yes, in fact, I have to leave now if I still want to catch the boat.” He took a quick look to his watch—that I bought him for his last birthday.

“Well, good luck! Tell her if you guys will ever get married,” He makes a mocking face towards my statement, “what? Who knows she’ll say no. Anyway, tell her to pick me as one of her brides maid okay?”

“Right, but I have to ask her the question first. I really got to leave now.”

“Sure, be careful, and once again good luck.”

“Thank you for the suggest.” He kissed my check and stand up. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“That’s what I’m here for, remember?” I take another drag of my cigs.

“I owe you. And Tob, please stop for tonight, you had enough.” He points his finger to my cigs.

“Okay. Now go! Shuuu”

He laughs. “I’ll let you know the result tomorrow.” He says while walking away.

“Can’t wait. And Tijmen, don’t kneel!!”

“I won’t.”


I went home after I watched him leave, take a drag. Enjoying the flying sensation that will take me off of this misery. It’s just for a moment, the flying sensation I mean, I know, but tonight, even just to think about what will happen has killed me already.  Leave alone being sane enough to pretend to be pleased when I receive the news. No, I can’t do this. I cannot watch the man I love and that once loved me go away, forever, being someone else’s. I can’t. I love him that mush to let him go, but never forgive myself for that.