“I thought you don’t smoke.” Deep voices interrupt the silence around me.
I turn around and there he is. Timothy. He looks at me in the eye with the gaze that could burn your brains out. A look that shows me how annoyed he is.
“I do now.” I replied. Try not to show him my excitement.
“You’ll die young then.” He moves forward and sits beside me.
“I’ll take that risk. What are you doing here? I thought you’re leaving for London already?” I asked. Cannot hide my curiosity.
“London.” He chuckles hesitantly. “And the second you thought I went to London, you start to destroy yourself apart again.”
“I’m not destroying myself.”
“Really? Well, now can you tell me what that bottle of Spirits doing next to you? Is that even a cigarette that you’re smoking?”
“Yep, it is a cigarette, and this vodka,” I raise the bottle. “This is for later. I have a party to attend to in Purmerend. Seriously what are you doing in here? Forgot your ring?”
“No, I got it here” he runs his fingers through his coat pocket. “I have something to ask you about.”
“What? You’re gonna ask me to marry you instead?” I tried to make a casual chuckle, although I must admit, didn’t succeed.
He smiles. A smile that I love so much I would kill to see him smiling like that every single day of my life.
“Tobby, you know very well that you and I aren’t ever gonna work. But I do have something to ask you though,” he paused. I made a fake smile on my face trying so hard to ignore the words he just said. “How should I propose? Should I knock on her door in the morning? Should I slip it into a piece of cake? But I think that lame, or maybe should I take her somewhere sweet with beautiful lights and get down on my knees? Come on! You gotta help me with this. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
I take a deep breath and hold it in for a while. Keep thinking to myself not to let the tear that’s hanging on my eyes fall down. Not now, not today, not in front of him.
“Well, if it were me, okay,” I pause and he listen carefully “I would hate it if you take me somewhere sweet and go down on your knees, come on! That’s too generic. And I don’t think slipping it into a cake is a good idea either.”
“Which leave us the best way of proposing, and the best way is?” He raises his eyebrows.
“Ask her in the most comfortable environment. Ask her when she just woke up, I mean, if it were me, I would love the guy that I love to purpose to me that way, when I look dreadful, ugly, with bad morning breath, and even with a messy hair. But when he says ‘will you marry me’ I would know that he loves me because he ignores all the facts above and asks anyway.” I stuttered. Damn. I can’t do this, my voice is obviously trembling and my eyes, they feel hot. I should not flick it or he’ll see me cry.
The wind breeze feeling the gap of silences between. Rotterdam wind clearly not a friend of mine this time, it is so cold and dry at the same time that it makes me flick my eyes. My ayes stars watering and the next second my tears had finaly fall down, I cannot resist not to let it stop.
Still, he looks at me intensely.
“Tobby? You’re okay? Are you crying?”
I shake my head nervously “The wind. My eyes” I close my eyes with one hand and pretend that a tiny dust has gone in.
Then the worst happen. He moves so close to me, leaning against me and blows my eyes. This is exactly why I cannot get over him. Not even after five years, because every time he get in 20 cm radius my heart always try to make its way to jump outta my chest.
“There you go. Feeling better now?”
His hands are wrapping my face. And we stoned in this position for a second when his cell phone rings.
“Hallo? Hey sweetie..” and he goes on talking with Sara. I look at his face and feel like a dagger just been thrown to my heart. The way he talks to her, the way his eyes softened even just when he speaks with her, how decent his words toward her. Something that once was mine, but has been taken away thanks to my own stupidity.
He goes on talking for minutes later, I finished my third cigarette when he’s done.
“She’ll pick me up tomorrow, she doesn’t have to work. Yay!” He put his fists up above. “Anyway, third cigarette? What are you now? A locomotive? I thought you quit a month ago?”
“Why don’t you mind your own business and I’ll do mine? I’m weak for this stuff.” I said lighting up my forth cigs.
“Tobby, stop it, please”
“I will, once I run out of it. I promise.” I raised my eyebrow.
“That’s not a promise.”
“So when are you gonna go to London? Tonight?” I change the subject.
“Yes, in fact, I have to leave now if I still want to catch the boat.” He took a quick look to his watch—that I bought him for his last birthday.
“Well, good luck! Tell her if you guys will ever get married,” He makes a mocking face towards my statement, “what? Who knows she’ll say no. Anyway, tell her to pick me as one of her brides maid okay?”
“Right, but I have to ask her the question first. I really got to leave now.”
“Sure, be careful, and once again good luck.”
“Thank you for the suggest.” He kissed my check and stand up. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“That’s what I’m here for, remember?” I take another drag of my cigs.
“I owe you. And Tob, please stop for tonight, you had enough.” He points his finger to my cigs.
“Okay. Now go! Shuuu”
He laughs. “I’ll let you know the result tomorrow.” He says while walking away.
“Can’t wait. And Tijmen, don’t kneel!!”
I went home after I watched him leave, take a drag. Enjoying the flying sensation that will take me off of this misery. It’s just for a moment, the flying sensation I mean, I know, but tonight, even just to think about what will happen has killed me already. Leave alone being sane enough to pretend to be pleased when I receive the news. No, I can’t do this. I cannot watch the man I love and that once loved me go away, forever, being someone else’s. I can’t. I love him that mush to let him go, but never forgive myself for that.