okay, WHY?!

I came to the office with a bad mood from the beginning. When I was about to cross the street my mom called, stupid me, I picked it up, and lost my focus on the road, a motor bike almost ran through me. The rider was angry, and I was too, I mean, it was a junction, you should slow down, not speed up.

I arrived at the office and found out my chair was changed. so let me give you a little acknowledgment here, I'm an intern, my table got move from time to time, because I'm an intern and not important. I understand that. But then I got this stupid super uncomfortable office chair (who invented it?! it's stupid!), and I changed it to the Vitra one--of course it's comfortable, it's Vitra guys! come on. then, this morning the ugly chair returned to me!! and the Vitra chair has gone without a trace.
the stupid chair i was talking about

Argh! 10 more weeks. still hanging on a thread here.


I love alex!

probably because of his delicate charming accent.
and his ultra-expressive behavior.



some of my favorite quotes i got from tumblr:

(I'll update this everytime i find a new interesting one)

You can fake your way through any conversatiton in the same way that any girl can fake an orgasm. random sounds and correct timing (mhm and huh are the new ohh and yeah)

(this is for those people with lack social skills)

Making someone love you is difficult, maybe think about getting a puppy.

(It's easier for anyone of us who has lost faith in love)

Life's a dick. sometimes it gets hard for no reason.

(My personal favorite quote)

Period pains? try getting a boner in jeans.

(Okay, never thought of it that way. fair enough)

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice!

(That's for you, bitch!)

As bad as losing faith in humanity seems, losing your faith in happy endings is much worse.

(Oh, okay. my bad.)

The world will not end in 2012, and if we're wrong, we'll all be dead anyways and there's nothing you can do about it.

(Yep. so true!)

Don't judge a book by it's movie!

(Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Da Vinci Code.. oh, too much!!)

Live with no guilty pleasures, dance in your underwear, listen to spice girls, and eat ice cream from the tub and be damn proud!

(Maybe not spice girl in my case, but westlife.)

We know your boss is an idiot and your job is meant for mentally challenged twelve year old. either quit or stop complaining.

(Stop complaining. did it.)

You don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend. better to be alone than with a whiney bitch you never wanted to be in the first place.

(oooohhhh... so true! that's why i'm single.. :D)

True friends are like a four leaf clover. difficult to find, lucky to have


Stalking the person you like is not endearing and will not get you laid.

(lesson's learned)

Stop bitching about people pronouncing your name improperly and get a better name.

(So far, Litya has transformed into: Lidya, Nitya, Widia, Pidia, Ditya, an so on. but i love my name, so i'll fuck off)

Stop lying to yourself: you will not stay friends with your ex and you don't even want to anyways.

(This occur to only one ex. hahaha)

A fancy camera does not stop you from doing stupid things like cutting off heads. so no, a nice camera does not make you a photographer.

(To all those people with SLR who bought it only because they can afford it, not because they can use it)

Electricity comes from electron. therefore morality comes from morons.

(Like this!)

Some people are wise, some people are otherwise.

(Way to point it out)

In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

(Come to think of it, it's true!)

Apparently people don't like it when you only want them for their Gatorade.

(Of food, or time, or help. this is for every licker who suck my ass for their own profits)

you must have money to make money

(Means, you have to be someone's bitch before you can afford you own food)

A friend in need's a friend indeed. a friend with weed is better


We know you had a shitty day, no need to make 20 thousand new posts about it.

(I just made 1 post in facebook and the other one as my status on ym)

You never stop loving someone, you just learn to live without them.


Macs are not the best computers ever, people only buy them because they're cute.

(No offense Bobi, but it's true. i love you still though.)

Don't watch movies that you know will have some sort of nudity in them with you parents/family.

(How would i know it's uncensored?!)

Typin lyke diz dos nt make u kool

(Di5 d03sn't w0rk 3ither. so stop it!)

If your bathroom smells like shit, don't spray air freshener in it. that'll only make it smell like flowers and shit. which is worse.

(HAHAHAHA. my office bathroom. too bad there's no window)

Not everyone looks good with a mustache.

(Some of you guys will only look like cat fish. and it works for goatee too)



so today

I have to look at the web to find sofa leg manufacturers/suppliers (i don't care if that's not the right term for it.) some stuff happened:

  1. i accidentally open a porn site titled "kaki sofa" thank god no one was around. that could be so embarrassing.
  2. i found a lot of real-world quotes that relate a lot to me and people around me (i'll post it all later)
  3. but the most random thing i found today was this guy from NL. i listened to his music and i like it. absolutely the kind of music i love. (check it out yourself)
  4. Even this guy's music still can't stop me from wanting to kill somebody.
  5. I realize i deserve a "prize" after this hard week.
  6. i want to say something more about my work, but it wont be save until i'm done, so, i'll put all work-related-post into drafts for a while


this is my last confession

okay, i don't know where to start, so i'll babbling out and we'll see if i can put it all together ..

it's a common sense of how much i hate him, and how much he used to be obsessed about me. seriously. he used to use these lousy reasons just to hang out with me, which on my part, i tried to give him a chance, because i've always wanted to have good relationships with my ex-bfs.

but then, i realized, every time he looked at me in the eye, he stared at me as if he wanted to eat me alive, and i have to honest, that was soooo uncomfortable.

now, some people asked: "why do you hate him?"

and it's only fair if i explain. so here goes:

  • i hate the way he controlled my life. he dragged me down to a bank to made a joint account together, and made me believe, that's what we needed.
  • he made me believe i wanted to have a future with him.
  • the way he pointed out how much children he wanted to have later, and made sure that if i only want two kids, i'll be lonely and never learned to share.
  • i hate the way he never respect me (i'm too ashamed to explain this one)
  • i hate the way he always put his friends on the highest rank. he pushed me to help him to made this birthday present for his best friend, i was sick that time, but he didn't care, all he wanted to know was the present should be ready before midnight.
  • i hate the way he mock me with my cooking skill
  • i hate the way he mock me with my (i remember his word) non-challanging projects.
  • i hate the way he look down on me when i feel like crying when i bumped into something in my life.
  • i hate the way he acted like he's always the mature one, the way he thought he knew that his decision was always the best
  • i hate the way he tried to made me feel guilty if i wanted to eat in some fancy place just because he couldn't afford it.
  • i hate the fact that he robbed me, 20 days a month to pay for his food. i couldn't save any money back in those days.
  • i hate the fact he didn't really respect my parents.
  • i hate that he didn't appreciate my present for his birthday, as if he's capable of paying me back in that particular area.
  • i hate the fact he thought he could always calm me down only by staring at me with the "i know you, i love you, stop being a baby" look.
  • i hate it that he forgotten my birthday. leave alone came to my house in the middle of the night. not even a present--not until now. (this is beyond my senses)
  • I hate the way he said "you did nothing to help me." when he was too hectic about his final project.
  • i hate the way he always been emotional for stuff that doesn't seem that big of a problem
  • i hate the fact that his father didn't like me.
  • i hate the fact he thought everything will be back the same again if he knocked on my door with blueberry cheese cake the day after the very tragedy.
  • I hate him, for everything he was, he is, and anything that he will be.

it's not fair to blame it all on him, i had the biggest mistake here, and i know what mistake that was..

he's my rebound guy, and i just realized this problem after we went out for like a year.

i never loved him, but i tried to tell him that every time i got a chance to lied.

i didn't want a future with him, but i let him drag me there, just so we didn't have to have a long conversation.

i never sure about him. financially, mentally. just never.

and the biggest mistake was,

i didn't want to break up with him only because i think the time wasn't right, i didn't want to screw up with his final project and his future, because i don't think i want to be responsible for someone's future that i don't care about.

so, now i've told my reasons, my story.

this is the point where i'll pretend i never knew him.

because when i said things out loud, that means i admit stuff i only said to myself

now it's here, written, memorized, and being read.

and therefore i owe nothing to myself, not anymore.

(i don't care if people see me as a bitch for treating him that way, i didn't think he deserved better anyway. and thank god, now he finally hates me, all my effort paid off in the end)


i cried to this song (always)

Don't, you don't have to save my life
No, you're not ready I can feel it
Outside it's raining, but I'll just go home
Someday your heart will just let him go

As soon as you get that feeling
You can start to live again
As soon as the worst is over
You can make it all make sense
Right now I can't give you what you need
As soon as you get that feeling... run to me

Hush, you don't have to say a word
Trust, I'm not going to hate you for it
Feels like my touch only brings back the pain
Someday those memories will fade away

As soon as you get that feeling
You can start to live again
As soon as the worst is over
You can make it all make sense
Right now I can't give you what you need
As soon as you that feeling... run to me

How can I be brave enough to say good-bye
I’d die inside without you, oh
Can't you see it's hard enough to walk away
Don’t look at me you make me wrong,
I’ve been through this to make me strong

As soon as you get that feeling
You can start to live again, oh
As soon as the worst is over
You can make it all make sense
Right now I can’t give you what you need
As soon as you get that feeling,
As soon as you get that feeling…
run to me

run to me - clay aiken


how they met.

“I’ll see you tonight then Gregg.” I waived goodbye to my best friend while unlocking my bike.

“Sure, bring a date okay, I don’t want Lily to feel awkward being the only girl in the room.”

“No can do. I’ll grab one at the bar later.” I give him crooked smile.


“See you.” I lit up my cigarette and drive off.

Tonight Gregg planned to purpose his girlfriend Lily and he wanted it to be as casual as possible. I told him that’s not a really good idea, because girls usually like it private. That the moments only belong to both of them, but Gregg insisted that he knows his own girlfriend and knows exactly how to please her.

Anyhow, today’s work was kinda off pissed me, I had to find this newfound material that only existed in Africa. And my boss wants it on her desk the day after tomorrow. I had to make a lot of phone call today, and I’m pretty sure she won’t even look twice at the material once it’s on her desk. She’s a bitch but she’s the one who make sure I get my paycheck, so I really have no choice.

This afternoon is perfect—weather-wise—autumn in Amsterdam’s always the best. The colors of the leaves that slowly turn to brown and all the crisps sound you hear when you step in the falling leaves. It also has a great skyline, with its beautiful orange sky, it’s my favorite time of the year, and also my worst. Think back 4 years earlier when I was in high school, that particular autumn was the worst, ever. My life were falling apart right at that point, and I never really mend ever since.
Anyway, back to reality time, I turn in the corner of the Kalver Straat, it’s tourist attraction spot around here because it’s close to the central station and the dome so it’s crowded. I take another turn to the street behind it, the one that’s not so attractive so lesser people on it, and I almost hit a girl in a red dress.

“voorzichtig!!!” I shout. My cigarette falls out of my mouth.

Her reaction was odd. She stands over there, as if she’s ready if the worst happen, and she just cover he face with her hands. I hit the brake and take right so I hit the building next to her.

“Pardon! Ik zag u niet. Pardon meneer.” She said. “bent gekwetst u?” she comes closer and helps me straighten my bike.

“Ja, ik ben goed.” I said. 

We stand in silence.

“You’re not Dutch, are you?” I ask. “Your Dutch were outta the place, wrong grammar, wrong pronunciation.” 

“I’m sorry, I panicked.” Says her. “You’re not Dutch too, are you? You speak British.” Points her.

“You’re wrong, I’m a Dutch. I’m Tijmen, by the way.” I give her my hand.

“Tobby. And I’m sorry I got in your way.”

“What are you doing here? Are you a tourist? This is the wrong place, no tourist attraction here.”

“No, I’m taking picture here.” She lifts her camera. “It’s an assignment. I just moved here. I came from America.”

“I see.” I pick my fallen cigarette and lit it again.

“That’s gross! Why don’t you just lit the new one?” She mocks me with pure American accent, as heard on TV.

“Because this is the only one I have left. And the winkel is far. It’s your fault, I had to warn you so I wouldn’t hit you.”

“Okay, here’s the deal, let me buy you one cigarette, but in return, you have to show me how to get to Rotterdam from here.”

“Are you lost?”

“No, I’m not lost, I just cannot find my way to the station, I’m not lost, I know which train to take to go there.” She hesitates.

I chuckle.

“That’s a deal, hop on.” I pat the passenger seat on my bike.

“You want me to go with you on that?”

“Yeah, it’s safe. I promise you a safe journey to the nearest winkel, then to the station. Come on.”


“so, that’s your train, it will depart in the next two hours.” I point the departure board that hangs from the ceiling.

“yeah, I can see that. I still have two hours to waste, is there any book store near here?” 

she’s a geek.

“Not that I know of, but I know a bar where we could sit and drink.” 

“I’m not legal yet, I’m only 17.” She looks at me with worried eyes.

“Oh, well,that's legal here actually, but okay then how about coffee? Coffee’s legal in America right?”

She nods, “just make sure I’ll be back here in two hours.”

“You have my words.” I promise her.

“So, what are you doing here, in Netherland?” I ask after we ordered our coffees. 

“I’m an exchange student. I’m gonna be here for like a year, and then maybe I’ll go back to my country, or stay here for good, I don’t know yet. What do you do Tijmen?”

“I’m a student/freelancer. I study material engineering, you see. I go to college In Delft, have you heard of it?”

“Yes! That’s where I wanna go!” 

“TU Delft? Why? What major you’re interested in?”

“I don’t know yet, but I’ve always wanted to go there.” 

We spend the next hour chatting about how she got herself into the exchange program, what I’m learning in material engineering, why she’s here at Amsterdam, and she asked me the same question too. 

From our little chat I know a few things about her: she’s from North Carolina, she lives in Rotterdam alone in a flat paid by the government, she just been in this country for two weeks and haven’t found a good friend yet, she misses her home, and I think she has a boyfriend back at home, because she kept texting from time to time.

“My friend, Gregg is about to propose to his girlfriend tonight, and he wants to do it in a crowd—don’t ask, I told him girls like it private. He suggested me to bring a date but I have no one.” I tell her once we walk out of the coffee house.

“Oh, that’s so sweet. He’s 20 too like you? Isn’t that’s too fast?” 

“He’s 21, not much different actually, well, Lily is his high school sweet heart, and I think they’re ready.”

She nods. “Good for them.”

“Do you wanna come with me? I mean, you said you haven’t got that much friends and it’s weekend anyway, no hurry to return home, right?” I offer her my invitation.

“Where is it? And how do I know that you’re not a bad guy?” 

wow. In my life, I’ve never met such a straight forward girl like her. 

“It’s here, in Amsterdam, where Lily works, and if I were a bad guy, I would kidnap you already without having to accompany you to the train station and stuff. I’m a good guy, believe me.” Okay, maybe I’m not a good guy, but come on, I want her to come with me tonight.

“I don’t know. No offence but you don’t look that good, you know.” She looks at me from head to toe and back to my eyes. She gives me this look that’s kinda hard to explain to me, like she’s judging me, but in the other hand also teasing me.

“Okay, no offence but no wonder you haven’t made any friends yet. Do you ignore everybody’s invitation like this?” 

Now that got into her.

“Fine, I want you to promise me something, though.” She pulls my sleeve to stop me from walking.

I stop and turn to her. “Name it.” 

“Take me home safely. And please stay close to me while we’re in there because my social skill sucks.”

“Clearly.” I chuckle. “Okay, I promise I’ll take you home safely, so where do you live?”

“I’m not giving you my address.”

I stun. “Wait, you want me to take you home safely but you wont give me your address? How’s that gonna work?”

“You will follow me home and send me right in front of my door. That’s how you’ll know where I live.” She smiles. Her hazel eyes glisten with excitements.

“Okay, so where should we go now? Anything you wanna see in Amsterdam?” I close our deal.

“I want to go home first.”

“Tobby, it’s six o’clock already, you’ll arrive at Rotterdam by seven thirty, the proposal’s on eight o ‘clock. Just hang out with me.” 

“So it’s okay if I wear this outfit?”

I look at her from head to toe. “Yeah, it’s a bar anyway, you can wear anything, just tell them you’re 18 okay.”

“Okay. So where are you gonna take me now? Show me everything interesting about Amsterdam, but just don’t take me inside the canal, that’s disgusting.”

“Hop on, I’ll show you around.”

I think i'll never be on your side..

it's funny my colleague,
said the same thing about that lady.
he said, "yeah, well, that's her."
i don't need a translation to understand he doesn't like her.

well, as intern, i have to ask a lot of people what to do, who's to call, etc..
and one day, i got an order from her to get myself into one project..
it's a pleasure for me, the fact that she trusted me.

this task was a little bit more complicated than what i usually have,
i asked my colleague advice, also asked her advise..
my colleague said this, and she said that..
then she pointed out some clue for me about her feelings toward my colleague
the fact that she doesn't like him either..

now, i'm not an ass-sucker so i just smiled and think in my head,
"it's not him, it's you!"
no matter what she said, i'm always on the same side as my colleague,
because what he sees, is exactly what i see..

and i believe he's seen it longer that i do..



this saturday..

mom's birthday, we went shopping to mangga dua,
and i finally after saving my money for months, i got myself this
Singer #140..


in my language we call it "gemes"

i shouldn't think about it, because it's obviously not my business, but somehow i can't help not to think of this old saying "once a jerk always a jerk".


good looking?



Don't think so

good smell?

really, you use one piece of cloth for a whole year.



Respect women?

No evidence.


Not at all

pain in the ass?



Full of bullshit?




use the women to pay for his food?

believe me, i know.


I think i wanna barf.


nope, but very--like really really--idealistic.

Softly bespoken?

not al all. Talks like barbarian



then tell me how could he posses (last i heard) 3 different women at the same time, one of them is hopelessly in love with him--i think she has stepped on the land of pathetic--and the rest just have no idea what game he's been playing.

come on! for crying out loud! stop all the jerkiness and just mess your with own life. asshole.