this is my last confession

okay, i don't know where to start, so i'll babbling out and we'll see if i can put it all together ..

it's a common sense of how much i hate him, and how much he used to be obsessed about me. seriously. he used to use these lousy reasons just to hang out with me, which on my part, i tried to give him a chance, because i've always wanted to have good relationships with my ex-bfs.

but then, i realized, every time he looked at me in the eye, he stared at me as if he wanted to eat me alive, and i have to honest, that was soooo uncomfortable.

now, some people asked: "why do you hate him?"

and it's only fair if i explain. so here goes:

  • i hate the way he controlled my life. he dragged me down to a bank to made a joint account together, and made me believe, that's what we needed.
  • he made me believe i wanted to have a future with him.
  • the way he pointed out how much children he wanted to have later, and made sure that if i only want two kids, i'll be lonely and never learned to share.
  • i hate the way he never respect me (i'm too ashamed to explain this one)
  • i hate the way he always put his friends on the highest rank. he pushed me to help him to made this birthday present for his best friend, i was sick that time, but he didn't care, all he wanted to know was the present should be ready before midnight.
  • i hate the way he mock me with my cooking skill
  • i hate the way he mock me with my (i remember his word) non-challanging projects.
  • i hate the way he look down on me when i feel like crying when i bumped into something in my life.
  • i hate the way he acted like he's always the mature one, the way he thought he knew that his decision was always the best
  • i hate the way he tried to made me feel guilty if i wanted to eat in some fancy place just because he couldn't afford it.
  • i hate the fact that he robbed me, 20 days a month to pay for his food. i couldn't save any money back in those days.
  • i hate the fact he didn't really respect my parents.
  • i hate that he didn't appreciate my present for his birthday, as if he's capable of paying me back in that particular area.
  • i hate the fact he thought he could always calm me down only by staring at me with the "i know you, i love you, stop being a baby" look.
  • i hate it that he forgotten my birthday. leave alone came to my house in the middle of the night. not even a present--not until now. (this is beyond my senses)
  • I hate the way he said "you did nothing to help me." when he was too hectic about his final project.
  • i hate the way he always been emotional for stuff that doesn't seem that big of a problem
  • i hate the fact that his father didn't like me.
  • i hate the fact he thought everything will be back the same again if he knocked on my door with blueberry cheese cake the day after the very tragedy.
  • I hate him, for everything he was, he is, and anything that he will be.

it's not fair to blame it all on him, i had the biggest mistake here, and i know what mistake that was..

he's my rebound guy, and i just realized this problem after we went out for like a year.

i never loved him, but i tried to tell him that every time i got a chance to lied.

i didn't want a future with him, but i let him drag me there, just so we didn't have to have a long conversation.

i never sure about him. financially, mentally. just never.

and the biggest mistake was,

i didn't want to break up with him only because i think the time wasn't right, i didn't want to screw up with his final project and his future, because i don't think i want to be responsible for someone's future that i don't care about.

so, now i've told my reasons, my story.

this is the point where i'll pretend i never knew him.

because when i said things out loud, that means i admit stuff i only said to myself

now it's here, written, memorized, and being read.

and therefore i owe nothing to myself, not anymore.

(i don't care if people see me as a bitch for treating him that way, i didn't think he deserved better anyway. and thank god, now he finally hates me, all my effort paid off in the end)

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