turned out everybody has their own falls. all my close friends had that. different types of course. break ups, educational, parents, work, you name it. and when that happened to them, secretly i kept thinking to myself 'when's my turn? can i handle it as good as my friends did?' i mean, i know the world cannot be as great as you think it is, and one day you'll just have to be ready when it comes for your own down fall.
they all experienced the same behavior that i'd like to call symptoms, and i will examine the symptoms:
- You feel like crap
- because you do feel that way, you chose to stepped away from people
- you're angry with everybody and staying alone in you room is the best thing to do
- you started thinking for help (in my case, God's)
- you tend to avoid chatting when it comes to your friends who's already live their life.
- you keep everything minimum, to your usually-trusted-friends.
- you try to make yourself busy doing shit that your sane mind knows that it's rubbish
- you started to create this little world on your own with your selected people in it, and think that that world is the real one simply because there'd be no one there questioning you or what you do. (in my case writing)
- you always feel like smashing something or crying or screaming whenever it comes to face your problem (in my case, check my email)
- you hate it when your friends share their great stories of their life, but still be that hippocrite that smiles and said "i'm happy for you"--with those dead-at-heart smile.
- Internet connection became your best friend.
- you started to think of doing something else that's not related to the skills you're supposed to enriched. (in my case language and cooking)
- you get this crazy thought inside your head that your close friends think you're angry with them or they know you need some space. and at the same time, the drama queen inside you just want to crawl and cry to them just to get the shit out of your system.
- then you think that thought before was weak, and that everybody has their own problems they need to deal with.
after all it's the Kubler-Ross model for the five stages of grieves: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. judging by this post (and walk back to my previous posts) i think i'm now in the 4th stage. which i try to see for it's silver lining--soon enough it will be the 5th stage.
as i always say: If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere, or in my language it will be 'Kalo ngga ada masalah di depan ga seru'