anxiety

i hate to get too emotional over a movie or a song. i mean that's the cheesiest way to get your life story related. although sometimes i do have to admit, when something gets really close to home, i just can't retain myself not to jump into the role. 

here's what's bugging me the most lately, a realization that all of the people that i've known for all my life are living their own life their ways. i appreciate all of their choices and seriously didn't write this to complain or anything. i just have this need to express this--well, i can't find any other suitable word--emptiness. we all grew up together, elementary school, middle school, high school, college. we all went to different places but no matter what, we step on the same path. but after college, we really are on our own. 

sometimes i wonder if getting more education is just a way for me to hide from all these--i bet some people think that way--but then i know that getting more education is actually the only way i can catch my dream. 

i need to learn to grow up and believe me, i'm still trying. my version of growing up is letting go all these weariness in my mind and let go, in that case i'm still struggling to do it. 

today, i have to say goodbye to one of my best friend. she's leaving this country to be with her husband after separating for almost a year (one of the big contribution to this weary feeling i have all day), and i know that she's sad because she had to leave her friends behind and her family that she's known for her lifetime to move on. to live her life. to live her future. i think it's a clicking time bomb until everyone i know actually do this. but when we finally do, i hope we can do it my friend's way--she had her time spared to say goodbye and reminiscing our silly life back then, she encourage us to remember. that's the only way to keep all the good times alive.

anyway, so long my friend. maybe you'll bring a little nice/nephew when you come back to this country again. :*

you never finished anything

that's a huge slap on the face.
and that's exactly what i need to motivate myself.

ironic how one of your closest people in the world that you've know forever turned you down like that. so i guess we'll see where it'd go from here.

is this for real?

it sure is awkward to be ordered around by your dear mommy when you're 23. yet i know i haven't had enough to get the fuck outta here. it's weird to have a curfew when you lived for more than four years without one.

i sure hate the fact that i still live my high-school life when i'm obviously too old to reason that.

how you doin'?

some of my closest friends asked me. surprisingly not just one or two people who did that. until i realized that i actually have been quite anti-social lately (one or two months behind).


i guess i'm back to that phase where i just want to avoid "daily conversations" that might happen with the oh-so-popular-topics such as jobs, goals, and love life. not that because i don't have them, only my views on some of that are a little bit different from the popular believes. 


some time ago my close friend also have the--more or less--similar wondering, about how other people around her have had their goals set up and know which direction they're going to whilst she's not really there yet. i think i have a defense for that: we can't really judge how slow or left behind we are by comparing ourselves to others. because basically, everybody's different. what's important for me might be less important to some people. my goals could sound like a joke by a 10 years old by some people. some people dreams could be too depressing for me to hear. the point is, diversity is the case. instead of judging i think i'd better appreciate them all and support whatever my friends want to do with their live. i'm sure they know the best. and i hope they treat me the same way in return.


so, lately i'm not laying around wasting time at home, i did a--literally--hard work. here comes the "are you taking your life seriously" judgement, i do some carpenting. i made my own furniture lately from scratch. something that most of my friends will say "you're a designer for fuck's sake, just draw and give it to the real carpenter!" but i can't really do that method. i like experimenting and this is what i'm doing now. 


to sum up, i might not be working for a big company, or getting paid. but i'm doing what i'm passionate about and honestly couldn't be happier (i mean come on, how much does a lounge chair cost you these days?? i could make one under Rp. 100K and personalized it) and yes, i do miss my friends.. hope to be seeing them soon enough.. :*

Spiritual Guru

it's beean a while i haven't seen him, and watching this reality show that showed the fact he hasn't change really made my month!! even after 9 years i still adore him the same way..