One of the thing i want to have if a geenie comes out of a bottle is a pensieve (aside from anywhere door that belongs to Doraemon). I don't feel like pouring my heart and thought to this blog anymore maybe because i feel like the more i grow up, the more i have to keep things on my own. Honestly, easier said than done.
So there are times when i'm alone at my home and suddenly tears just rushing down. The tears came out of nowhere and cannot be stopped. I used to do this "self-talk" to solve any kind of my worries. I figured this is my way to put myself outside my own perspective and try to see it from another point of view. Lately i tried recalling this method but failed.
Sometimes i feel like maybe i need help to deal with myself, however i've seen people dealing with themselves and my case was nothing compare to their burden, therefore i thought i was just being a cry baby.
So i don't have a pensieve, and i cannot talk to anyone because i don't even know where to start. But if i can pack and simplify my thoughts: the feeling of being detached from something you call your family, the ones you grow up with, the ones that you can always turn to in any occasion, is hell. To wake up one day, going together as a family then going apart at the end of the day is weird. Having to live day by day just to count down the next day i'll see them is agonizing. What hurt the most is departing from the lifestyle i used to and still be in it just to see it from aside, from what i used to call 'an outsider point of view'. Now i am the outsider too.